Breaking Up [from an eating disorder] Is Hard To Do by Lisa Carroll, MS, RD, LDN
Just listen to Neil Sedaka sing his famous Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do and not only will you not be able to get the catchy tune out of your mind, but you might be able to sympathize that leaving a relationship can leave you feeling blue. And I get it! A breakup is a loss and can be felt like grief, sadness, disappointment and even failure. During a breakup you not only say goodbye to the day to day rhythms you have grown so accustomed to but also the plans, dreams and hopes for the future. That abrupt change can be overwhelming and times of transition are hard! And this can apply to breaking up with a person as well as a way of life or maladaptive coping skill like an eating disorder.
The facts about breaking up from an eating disorder are harrowing. Recovery from an eating disorder can take an average of 7-10 years and it is estimated that 20-50% of those with eating disorders will relapse. Yes, being in a relationship with an eating disorder is toxic, but it is also a bond someone makes with their disease that gets stronger and stronger over time, making escape from the behaviors so difficult.
I do believe in full recovery and believe that progress and long-lasting improvements can be made over time with the right support and treatment. As a clinician working with individuals with eating disorders for over 15 years I have seen clients hit their interpretation of rock bottom and have seen those same individuals flourish and grow into something more powerful than their disorder. Better understanding the relationship and strongholds of an eating disorder can assist in the recovery process. Here are some of the key reasons why leaving an eating disorder is #complicated.
Eating Disorders are a Coping Skill
Although eating disorders are maladaptive coping skills and can be life threatening they are still coping skills. Behaviors, such as exercise abuse, restrictive eating or binge eating, are used to manage stress and challenging situations. For example, if you were having a hard time feeling your feelings due to a fight with a friend, loss of a job or difficult transition in life, the eating disorder provides direction. It will tell you what to do to “feel better”. For an individual with an eating disorder the disordered eating behavior does not feel like the problem, it feels like the solution.
Eating Disorders are Addictive
Scores on the addictive scale for eating disorders are comparable to those for drug addicts and alcoholics. Repeated use of disordered eating practices can alter one’s brain chemistry and the more someone “uses” the more they feel the urge to continue to use, much like what happens when someone falls into drug or substance abuse. When someone is stepping away from use of behaviors they tend to experience intense levels of stress and anxiety, and, depending on the behavior, might also experience uncomfortable physical symptoms. This means that not using behaviors actually feels worse initially and does not immediately feel better. Much like a breakup from a person.
Eating Disorders Give a Sense of Identity
There are so many seasons of life and throughout life transitions it can be hard to have a true and firm understanding of identity. Who am I? What does it mean to be me? How am I perceived by others? these are all common questions someone might struggle to answer at any stage of life. The eating disorder can feel like an identity. True identity is rooted in who someone is and not what someone does. For an example, someone’s identity might include a passion for the arts, kindness, a free spirit, etc. The eating disorder mindset oftentimes fixates on what someone does or how someone looks. A person can start to feel they are only as good as their last workout or the number on the scale. Letting go of an eating disorder can feel like losing yourself. The eating disorder also strips someone down to the point of forgetting who they are and what they feel connected to. I often find individuals having a passion for music letting their guitar collect dust because they were too busy and distracted by their behaviors. Friendships can go unattended due to social isolation and shame.
Eating Disorders Make Big Promises
The eating disorder will promise someone the stars and moon. Your key to happiness is only one behavior away. Need friends? LOSE WEIGHT! Looking for love? LOSE WEIGHT! Hoping for a job promotion? LOSE WEIGHT! Now, this is not the actual truth, but the eating disorder can spin such a convincing tail. It promises all of life problems to be fixed with very concrete and “achievable” actions and these actions can start to be very addictive. After the eating disorder sets in someone’s goals do not matter anymore. The new goal is the eating disorder. This is where someone starts to lose themselves to the disorder and where it is easy to dismiss the fact that the eating disorder did not follow through on the flowery future plans promised to them. Life becomes more about the promise to the behaviors.
Eating Disorder Breakups Can Feel like a Failure
Use of behaviors can be all consuming. Someone can give up jobs, friendships, heath, etc. to continue to keep their eating disorder. They put so much work into their disorder and can wrap everything up in this lifestyle. Even though the eating disorder might be ruining someone’s health and life it can still feel like a failure to step away from an eating disorder. Consider spending years, even decades, of your life on something just to give it up and start new. Terrifying! Frustrating! Exhausting!
This is not meant to read like a doom spiral, but more so as a reminder and possibly a roadmap to recovery. A reminder that it is not just about food and weight when it comes to use of an eating disorder and it is not easy to step away from. And a roadmap for what someone struggling with an eating disorder needs to focus on. The gold standard for eating disorder treatment is to have a treatment team. This team can work with the individual to explore the deeper roots of the problem and provide support and guidance on how to untangle themselves from the throes of an eating disorder. And, there is hope! Individuals can recover! Identities can be reformed, healthy coping skills can be learned, relationships can be built. These things are possible. And, one of the things I love most about recovery is that it is always a good day to make a change. There does not need to be a perfect window for opportunity. "Today is the day!” can be anyone’s motto for making changes.
To learn more or connect with someone from our team please reach out to Lotus Therapy Group at 708-552-7330 or email us at lotustherapygroup@gmail.com.
