Why Positive Body Compliments Aren’t Always a Positive Thing by Briea Frestel, LCSW, CADC
I was once a girl, a teenager, a young adult, a woman, and now a mother in a postpartum body. Of course I have been on the receiving end of opinions from others about my body. And of course I have had opinions of others’ bodies as well. It’s fair to say it’s almost second nature to have body judgments, either good or bad, in a culture that teaches women our main value and worthiness comes from the composition of our body. Given this, it makes sense we give compliments to others about their bodies and feel validated when we receive them as well. It seems innocent to celebrate one’s weight loss because we have been taught for so long that weight loss is a good thing. But here’s the thing… we never really know what we might be commenting on. Yes, the intention may be coming from a place of love and wanting to make the person feel good; however, there is a possibility it can cause damage on the receiving end.
When we compliment weight loss, it can send the message that we’re telling someone they look better in a thinner body. Although the statement is coming from a place of love, it can imply that they looked worse in their larger body. We are perpetuating a belief that being in a smaller body is better and that being in a larger body is bad.
This can cause the individual to believe their larger body was less worthy of praise, thus they as a whole were less worthy.
I have worked primarily with women and men who struggle with eating disorders in my career. A main concern that many have is that when they began to initially lose weight through unhealthy behaviors (restriction of food intake, binging, purging, misuse of diet supplements/medications), they were praised by loved ones.
“Omg, you look so skinny!”
“Tell me your secrets!”
“I wish I could lose weight like you did!”
This “positive” attention brought them to feel an inherent urge to continue to lose weight, even if that meant continuing to use dangerous behaviors or reaching a weight that was not sustainable or healthy for their needs and body type. Complimenting weight loss ALWAYS has a deeper meaning. We never know if we might be praising an eating disorder or disordered eating.
It’s fair to say that not everyone has disordered eating or an eating disorder. One can even argue that if you are sure that the individual who has lost weight doesn’t struggle with the aforementioned, it can be fair game to compliment the weight loss. But, what about other life struggles? How can we be sure that the individual hasn’t had body changes due to the “hard-to-controllables” such as grief, anxiety, stress, addiction, depression, or a medical condition?
Could a simple compliment transcend into a reminder of one’s personal hardships?
Okay, okay…
Weight/fat loss and body changes aren’t always a serious thing! It’s not all or nothing, it’s not bad vs. good. It is important to realize that every person’s experience is unique and there are many people whose bodies fluctuate without doing much at all. The beauty of being human is to flux and change. If you are looking to work on dismantling diet culture or find ways to decrease focus on body image, let’s look at how you can start changing your own thinking patterns and actions.
Beginning to be mindful about stopping body-based statements can seem jarring and impossible when complimenting others’ bodies was almost second nature. It can be helpful to use the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill, STOP. This acronym stands for:
Stop, Take a Step Back, Observe, and Proceed Mindfully.
Using this skill can help you reflect within yourself as to why you want to compliment someone’s weight loss. Again, complimenting weight loss has a deeper meaning. Being mindful that we don’t know another’s full story is the first step. It can also be helpful to STOP and ask yourself the following questions:
Am I complimenting this part of a person’s body because it is something that I hold valuable or desire?
Is it actually not the weight loss that I am complimenting, but the confidence in how this person holds themselves?
What do I personally value as “good” and “worthy”?
What does “healthy” mean to me?
What messages have I received through the media that lead me to believe that what I am complimenting is “good”?
There are so many ways to show adoration, care, and praise to others.
You make this world better.
You are glowing today.
That outfit is stunning!
You are so strong.
I feel inspired by you.
You are such a hard worker!
I love your energy and confidence.
Your happiness is contagious!
Once you identify what you are actually complimenting about the person you love underneath their body, it is so easy to label it and give them those words of affirmation.
If we truly reflect, we might find that complimenting someone’s body is complimenting the least interesting thing about them.
Our bodies will continue to change and be different throughout our life. How beautiful it can be to be seen for your inner identity rather than your physical body!
To learn more or connect with someone from our team please reach out to Lotus Therapy Group at 708-552-7330.
